[	mood	|	calm	]
[	music	|	you and me - lifehouse	]

As a part of my "starting over" process this Lenten Season, I am proud to say that I have finally talked to someone over the phone after 8 months of not hearing his voice..and I'm happy :) It's fun talking to him like old friends, and I'm glad that we talked for 3 hours..talking about crap and chismis that we've missed out on each other's lives for the past 8 months. 

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Sadly of course, unresolved issues still remain unresolved.. that person I talked to last night advised me to just step up and make the first move, and leave all inhibitions and fears behind. Apparently, that fearful side of myself still reigns. I'm not yet that brave enough to take that chance. I just can't. But I will try to follow his advice..after all, he knows me better than any other guy.

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I'm suddenly confused about a lot of things..not knowing what to do next, or if I even have to do something about them. Should I or should I not? That is the question.

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I finally stopped crying. Hooray for the Dilis! :)

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Grey's Anatomy, my current favorite drama series, have striking lines which just seem sooooo sooo apt for my current situation :)

" Boundaries don't keep people out, they fence  you in. But if you're willing to take a chance, the view on the other side is spectacular."

>> I'm the type of person, who in one way or another, creates a way to make things happen or known. I never allow myself to let certain opportunities go. Yes, the fear of being let down or getting hurt may impede my hopes at times, but that never necessarily stops me from trying. Hey, I've been hurt a lot of times, but at least the question of "what if" never bothers me anymore because I took that chance to find out for myself.
I may overrationalize, or become too complacent at times, but I try my best to balance out my heart and my mind. I used to think before that I use my head too much, but apparently, how I got to where I am now simply shows that I choose my heart as well. 
I may ask too many questions, or bring up too many memories from the past, but I do that because it simply means that I still have questions in my head that were never resolved..Or I still have certain feelings about certain things that I never said..so I grab opportunities to clear things up, even if it means discovering nasty things that may hurt me..or not talking to other people for a certain period of time..

But at least, the question of "what if" leaves me, and I am left nothing with peace.. and yes certain heartaches at times, but it's okay. It's an inevitable part of life that we have to face. It sucks that fear has its way of stopping people from telling other people what they truly feel, or doing something to make other people know what you think/feel. It sucks how fear sucks everything. Our confidence shoots up to the sky, and all our insecurities, magnified.

I myself have become a victim of being afraid so many times..but after having my heart broken several instances, having lost too many people, and having experienced a not-so-perfect-family setup, I realized that life is super kaduper too short and too unpredictable. You just have to GRAB the chance when it's there, so that regret will never find its way into your life. 

Remember, time will never repeat itself, no matter how hard you pray for things to return to the way they were. Set your boundaries, but never keep them there for too long, because you never know what you're missing.

Maybe the other side of that life you're currently living is indeed, spectacular. :)

[	mood	|	bored	]
[	music	|	beautiful disaster - kelly clarkson	]

Gone were the days when:

_ I could wake up at 7 in the morning, and still arrive in school by 7:25.
_ I'd have takas sessions on the phone until whatever am 
_ I'd slip into my long, uber hot brown uniform everyday, without worrying about what I should wear the day next.
_ I'd get scolded because of my sky-rocketing phone bill.
_ I'd get scolded because I was caught using the phone at whatever am.
_ I'd make uber unique projects 
_ I'd say Pinoy instead of Fil; CL instead of Theo; Club instead of Org.
_ I was never allowed to wear sleeveless shirts in school, unless I'd like to take a trip to the faculty room.
_ Miniskirts were so taboo. Now almost all the girls who said I was a flirt just because I wore skirts, are now number one on the list wearing miniskirts. They even wear shorter ones.. Tsk Tsk. (note to self: be uber happy that you're in college already)
_ I'd take attendance, and be scolded by Ms. Osila because of my tardiness (tas I'm the secretary pa :)) ) *and lack of/in secretary skills* 
_ The latest time I went home was at 6-ish because of choir/EcoSong practice (on a school day) *gawd I miss singing*
_ Bringing cellphones in school was a crime.
_ I was so excited of getting out of highschool.
_ Sleeping at 1 am was a crime.
_ My N7210 was my ultimate source of kilig moments.
_ I'd have to stand up just to recite.
_ Shangri-La Mall was my usual hangout place.

[	mood	|	nostalgic	]
[	music	|	far away - nickelback	]

It is true what they say, that so much stuff can happen in a day, in an hour, in a minute, even in a fraction of a second. So much can change as the time progresses, and as I look at my life right now, I think too much has happened too fast. 

At 14 years old, I've experienced my parents breaking up. At 16, I had my first relationship (which sadly ended 7 months after). At 18 my mom had a *successful* operation for her breast cancer. Who knows what'll happen next?

Sometimes I find myself questioning the fact of whether or not I could actually handle everything that God has given me. Well, I got here right? But that doesn't mean that somewhere inside me, I'm still feeling scared and paranoid. I don't know if time has really permitted my heart to get over a lot of other things, or if I'm really feeling okay concerning *other* matters. 

At least I'm not afraid to say what I really feel. That I'm not afraid to express my confusion. That I'm not ashamed of the fact that maybe there are some things in my past that I haven't fully let go.

I can remember Rich's voice everytime I question my strength as a person.. and I remember it perfectly how he'd say it: 

" You are strong. I wouldn't have seen you if I didn't know you were special. Remember, You are destined for greatness.."

God. I never thought such a person would have that much faith in me. Everytime he'd hear me cry, he'd simply say, "I know you. YOU ARE STRONG."

..And no matter how simple those words are, they'd always stop me from crying, and I'd instantly start laughing with him. No matter how much he broke my heart eight months ago, I'd have to thank him for making me a stronger person and for believing in me that I can be destined for greatness.

My top five signs in order to know that you're currently having a sucky summer:

1. You sleep at 2am/3am, with the hopes of someone bothering you 
(bothering would include: talking to you, texting you, or buzzing you in YM. Since you're super duper bored, mass messages/forwarded messages are absolutely fine)

2. You spend more than 3 hours in the TV room. Your fingers never stop flipping through the channels. The movies that show on HBO or Star Movies are the "Wow there's a movie made like that?" and/or "I never heard of this movie" types. You end up drowning yourself in the OC reruns on ETC.

3. You open the fridge with the hopes of food being the ultimate savior. Unfortunately, what you had for lunch and dinner the day before, still ends up as your lunch and dinner.

4. There's this party you've been dying to go to, but then you break a fight with the only person who could provide you with transportation. Too bad, you end up being stuck at home.

5. Everyone else is in Boracay, and you're stuck at home, pretending that your bathtub is the beach (or a mere swimming pool for that matter).